Let’s not kid ourselves – approaching a beautiful stranger is scary. When we start to think about walking up to a gorgeous woman and striking up a conversation, some of us break out in a cold sweat just from the thought alone. It happens way more often to all of us than we would like to admit.
This crippling fear and nervousness that we feel has a name, and it’s called “Approach Anxiety”. Approach Anxiety is defined as the fear that men (and even women) feel when faced with the opportunity to approach an individual that they are attracted to. Having approach anxiety manifests itself in different ways in everybody, but rest assured – everyone feels it to some degree.
Picture this – You are at the bar with your mates, and you notice that there is one particular woman across the bar that keeps eyeing you and sending looks and smiles your way. This exchange goes on all night, you checking to see if she is still giving you those enticing looks and her continuing to send those sexy glances your way. On paper, it seems like a pretty for-sure deal: she seems interested and wants you to come over …right? So, what is keeping you from going over there and striking up a conversation? The answer: approach anxiety.
A completely natural phenomenon, approach anxiety happens because we overthink the situation entirely. So how do we come to a place of mental peace as we go through with approaching that special someone across the room?
Below are 5 common fears men have when it comes to approaching women, and our tips on how to help you overcome them.
“I’m afraid I’ll just be bothering her…”
One of the many thoughts that race through our heads when we are trying to talk ourselves out of approaching any potential romantic partner is that we don’t want to “bother” them. That our attempt to grab their attention may offend them rather than lead to a good impression.
If she is trying to read a book at a bookstore or in a library, then perhaps this isn’t the best time to try and approach her. Why? Because she is busy. The girl who is sitting alone at the bar and looking bored, however, is more than likely very open to being approached. If we simply look at the setting, then we quickly understand that this is a perfectly acceptable time for someone to approach her without coming off as annoying or bothersome.
“I want to talk to her, but I just don’t think I’m ready to go over there just yet…”
Your hyper-thinking costs you opportunities to engage in conversations. We are very self-conscious creatures. All of us are – why do you think there are so many mirrors everywhere? Yes, other people may have a fleeting thought about you from time to time, but trust us when we say that how often people think about you is nowhere near how often it actually happens.
This one is short and simple: stop overthinking your own actions. If you see a beautiful woman across the room and want to go talk to her, don’t think about all the reasons why you shouldn’t (unless you can clearly see a ring on her finger). Just start walking towards her!
The most difficult aspect of approach anxiety to overcome is physically moving your body towards the subject of your infatuation. The only one thinking about you in that moment is you, so change that one person’s mind and just get moving.
“I can never get myself to be comfortable enough to with the idea of approaching women when I go out…”
There is a solid chance that you are looking for women in all the wrong places. An incorrect hunting ground may be a big source of a lot of your approach anxiety. If you are not comfortable in the setting that you are in, and on top of that you are trying to force yourself to partake in an action that you are not very comfortable with –then there is a much lower chance that you will go ahead and make that initial approach.
What your bro’s have told you about the bar being the best place to meet women is false, unless you are looking for the kind of girl who hangs out in bars a lot. Go to where you are most comfortable, and the connections you make in those comfortable settings are likely to be much more meaningful and genuine than the ones made where you are not comfortable.
Go to where you can be the most authentic “you”. Your approach anxiety will melt away when you feel the most “you”, and you never know – women may begin to try and approach you when you are at your most comfortable.
“I want to talk to her, but I just have no idea what to say…”
Remember what your mother taught you when meeting new people: start with “hello”. There may be a chance that if she does say hello back (which if she doesn’t, then your conversation is already over), that she will come up with a conversation starter on her own for you two.
This doesn’t mean that you should just walk up to her, say “hello”, and then just stare at her. Not at all. A solution –have some basic and generic conversation starters that you can use with everyone always mentally available.
Regardless of how gorgeous she looks, she is just another person on the inside, and chances are that you know how to talk to people by this point in your life. She’s a person, just like you. You don’t have to always have stellar ice breakers to begin a conversation, and women are not expecting you to have one. So, don’t worry about having the perfect one-liner when approaching women.
“I want to go talk to her, but I think she already has decided that she wants nothing to do with me…”
Another popular excuse is that we are so worried about what they already think of us, even before you have ever even spoken to her, that we just give up on the entire idea of approaching.
Be it that girl who sits across the room in class, the girl you’ve been eying all night on the other side of the bar, or the just the girl who always comes to the same dog park as you do –you have decided that they have seen enough of you to know that they want nothing to do with you already…even though they don’t even know your name yet.
Trust us. She has not made a decision already about you until you have made yourself known to her. Take advantage of that blank slate positioning and just say “hello”.